Saturday, May 21, 2011

An Interesting Graphic Idea

I have had this idea for a t-shirt or sticker floating around in my head for some time. Tell me what you think!

It's not perfect, but you get the idea. Scriptures are filtered with the Skeptics Annotated Bible. This great resource is at

The Two Jesuses [sic]

I have become distinctly aware of the existence of two Jesuses. Many Christians believe in the two seemingly opposite figureheads simultaneously without effort and without the tickling sensation of cognitive dissonance!

Who are they?

 One is, of course, the all powerful all knowing and loving bearded carpenter who died for your sins and kicks ass while somehow still managing to 'turn the other cheek'. This is the Jesus who steals our imaginations and makes us feel safe from the Devil and his demons when we go to sleep at night.

 The other Jesus, as it happens, is a retarded kid who wears a helmet with peeling Power Rangers stickers all over it. He has gum in his self-cut hair, chocolate frosting caked around his mouth, and the subtle odor of poop coming from somewhere on his person. He clumsily rides a bycicle with training wheels down your street, the pinwheel on his handlebars giving him much joy. You know there is much joy because you can hear his big goofy laughs and moans from a half mile away. He can't control the volume of his voice or really what he says. It's mostly gibberish- gibberish that smells like old milk and Fruit Loops when we stands too close to tell you about his hat.

 You can expose Jesus' dual personalities by performing the following experiment:

1. Find a Christian. Take your time. I'll wait...

2. Got one? Ok good! Now let's try to conjure in your subject's mind Super Kick Ass Jesus. Ask questions like "so what is so awesome about Jesus' descent into hell to free the captives following his harrowing crucifixion?"
You'll likely get an answer about how he beat up the Devil, put him in a head lock, kicked in doors, broke the chains that bind, etc. All kick ass stuff. Kick Ass Jesus loves softball questions!

3. Now let's throw the switch and see if we can conjure Retarded Jesus! There is no clear cut way to do this. A simple insult lobbed at Jesus is usually sufficient. Sometimes it takes a string of insults. Our subject will begin to show signs of distress in his/her face. This usually lasts a few seconds, minutes even. If your insult is long enough, they may even cut you off. You will be rewarded with an impassioned defense of poor defenseless Retarded Jesus. "He is love! I didn't know love until I found Jesus! You take that back! I don't hate you so much as have pity on you!". This is generally what you will hear. Be prepared as there will likely be tears involved. Your subject's voice will break. They may storm off, but they will return within minutes to give you another dose of why you are going to Hell for insulting their Lord. 
This might sound like the typical Jesus defense, but picture in your mind Retarded Jesus with his inside out Knots Berry Farm tee shirt and 44 ounce Big Gulp cup full of warm red Kool-Aid and you'll start to see what I'm talking about. People defend Jesus the same way they defend retarded children.

 Jesus seems to be stripped of his awesome powers when he is insulted. He then needs his followers' defense to stave off verbal attacks (physical attacks are impossible, which doesn't stop our subjects from being armed to the teeth).  In the last month, I have seen this exact dichotomy revealed twice. The first time, I didn't insult Jesus, but rather the Easter Bunny (!). Somehow that triggered a "Not cool dude! Not cool!" followed by a passionate defense of Jesus. Had I insulted Retarded Jesus? Started to seem that way! The second incident was between two other people. I just happened to be eavesdropping.

 It's like magic! Big-biceped Lord of Lords Jesus shape-shifts into snot bubble perma-smile Jesus who needs help going to the bathroom with a single insult! I wish Christians would leave the vengeance to Jesus himself. He's a big boy who can take care of him self- probably.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Obama Wants To Something America

Bringing About the End of Good Something?

Obama making sour face

Last week, President Obama unveiled a plan that critics say would bring about an age of bad thing in this country not seen since terrible time of bad something. Since the plan was first unveiled during a press conference, Americans have expressed bad feelings toward the President’s plan to bring about the end of good thing. In a recent poll conducted by the Polling Institute, results show a majority of Americans opposing bad thing.

 However, the downward slide into bad thing doesn’t have to continue, at least according to Good Guy Politician, who said on Agreeable News Network Tuesday morning, “Look, [the President] and his advisors know the facts. Bad thing is not a good thing for America. We need to stop bad thing and return good thing to our people who so demand good something.”

            Bad Guy Politician said on Evil News Network Tuesday evening, “I know there are arguments against bad thing, but these people who are nay-sayers only want to bring back good thing. We as bad people simply can’t support that. Until we hear a valid argument for good thing, we will continue to put our efforts behind the president and bad thing.”

Polling Institute 2011

           Still unclear is whether or not the President will listen to what the American people are saying and change course. But given his recent campaign to introduce bad things, it looks like good thing has come to an end for the time being, which is a bad thing.

God Exacts Galactic Revenge

Supernova Caused by Sins of Mankind, Gays

By Derek Hayes

SN 2011B (center of image)

The Higashi-Hiroshima Universities’ “KANATA” telescope recorded images in January of a powerful and destructive supernova, which, according to some, reveals the true consequences of man’s sinful actions. Researchers K. Itagaki and M. Tsuboi first observed Supernova SN 2011B during a peer into galaxy GCN 2655 some 81 million light years from Earth in the giraffe constellation Camelopardalis. The violent natural phenomenon allegedly occurred when a white dwarf star accreted enough matter from it’s massive binary companion star to reach critical density (2 x 109 g/cm3) and began fusing carbon and oxygen divergently, causing collapse followed by a massive explosion which reportedly destroyed its companion star and blasted trillions of tons of matter into a white-hot debris cloud.

The “KANATA” telescope that first identified SN 2011B

The meaning of this destructive force of nature is very clear according to Reverend Jack Carroll of the First Free Will Baptist Church in Bell City, MO. He claims the upcoming NYC Pride, an annual gay pride rally in New York City to be held this year on June 18th, is the impetus for God’s violent retort. “God is not happy with the actions of man in these dark times” the reverend told his congregation, which includes viewers of his weekly Sunday morning television broadcast. “He is making it abundantly clear that we need to repent of our ways, and return to the Cross of salvation. It’s clear that the gay agenda is trying to dissolve the American Christian family with violence, compulsory sodomy, misinformation, bigotry, and rallies. God is very angry because of this”. Carroll went on, “For years now we have been warning of severe consequences due to the gays and their flagrant sins. Now God has chosen to destroy an entire solar system with one of the most violent natural phenomena in the known
universe. We ignore God at our peril”.

            Other members of the clergy are joining Rev Carroll in efforts to ban the NYC Pride rally. The Christian counter movement, dubbed NYC Shame, is attempting to collect signatures in an effort to convince legislators in New York to ban the rally. Hopes are the ban will spread to other states where similar rallies are held each year. Pastor, co founder, and key organizer for NYC Shame Mark Pindergraff of the Nationalist Church of Christ based in Nashville, TN said in a statement included with the petition sent to pastors nationwide, “Hallelujah! The Lord has spoken! He has not minced words here, friends. We MUST stop this rally, and we MUST EXPEL THE GAYS from our great nation and bring us back to good standing with the Lord!!!...” [emphasis in the original]. So far, over two hundred churches have pledged support for the effort.

            While many pastors are signing on to try to have the rally banned for good, one pastor is taking a different approach to appeasing almighty God. The notorious pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas has decided to send an envoy to the Higashi-Hiroshima Observatory to picket later this month. According to Westboro Baptist’s website [], signs will include “God Destroys Binary Star Systems Because of Fags!” and “Thank God for Dead White Dwarf Stars!” No plans of counter protests have yet been reported.

            NASA and other U.S. organizations that study the stars have been largely quiet on the apparent relationship between the destruction of an entire solar system and the waywardness of mankind. However, Blake Endel, a  NASA researcher, said in his blog, “[T]he idea that a god superfluously destroyed a distant solar system millions of years ago because of a rally held this year is among the most ridiculous things myself and my colleagues have ever heard. …We all had a good laugh when we saw reports of this on the TV in the coffee room. …[W]e have all been too busy laughing to formulate a real response to this nonsense”.  Well k­­­­nown astrophysicist, author, and NOVA Science Now personality Neil deGrasse Tyson, when asked at a lecture about the correlation between SN 2011B and the NYC Pride rally, responded with nothing more than a flabbergasted and quizzical expression which lasted over 20 seconds. He then asked to hear the next question. Tyson later told reporters “What can you say to something like that? I mean, what can you say?!”

Graph showing the magnitude of God’s vengeance

            Meanwhile others in the political sphere don’t think NASA’s (or Tyson’s) making light of the situation is such a good idea. Rep. Michelle Bachman (R-MN) said to Gretchen Carlson on Fox & Friends when asked about NASA’s apparent lack of concern, “…you know, God flooded Sri Lanka, New Orleans, Australia, wrecked most of Japan with a massive earthquake followed by a tsunami and nuclear meltdown, and now He has obliterated an entire solar system in galaxy NGC 2655; How can we not be listening? And why are we still funding [NASA] when they aren’t taking these threats seriously? And why is Neil [deGrasse] Tyson still getting a paycheck?” “Good questions- important questions” responded Carlson, who then pledged to have pastors Carroll and Pindergraff on the program “as soon as we can get them here. These views are important and deserving of fair questioning”.  The two founders of NYC Shame are scheduled to be on Fox & Friends next Wednesday to plead their case to the American People. Representatives from NYC Pride will not be in attendance during the broadcast, nor will any representatives from the secular science community.

Derek Hayes
is an independent contributor for the Muskoachie Daily Holler

Thursday, April 7, 2011


The article posted yesterday was written by me. And no, my name is not really Derek Hayes. As a long time fan of the Onion, I decided to pay omage to the excellent satirical paper by butchering the format with my own drull. The Muskoachie Daily Holler is my pseudo-paper and Derek Hayes my pseudonym. More 'Holler pieces to come!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Conservatives Change Their Rhetoric

New controversial climate change evidence
changes climate in Washington, Media

            by Derek Hayes

            Conservatives are reeling over new data emerging from climate scientists last week linking global climate change to Hispanics living in the US illegally. While the exact causal relationship is still unclear, what is clear is that conservatives and right wing pundits are vowing to do whatever it takes to stop them from destroying the planet.  House Speaker John Boehner spoke out this week against illegal aliens, saying in a news conference,  "This activity is despicable and must be stopped. We can't wait until we find out how they are doing this before we take action to stop them. [Republicans] are now vowing to use any means necessary to mitigate this disaster, because our children and grand children deserve a future without worry of rising sea water, melting ice caps, or mass exoduses of displaced poor people moving into their neighborhoods". 
            This sudden change of heart among Republicans was met with mixed feelings among Democrats on the hill. "The general consensus among Democrats is that the right, who were notorious long time skeptics of climate science, are only adopting this new stance to stop global warming because they think the Mexicans are somehow behind it, which of course, as Democrats will say, deflects blame away from- well-  mainly high polluting wealthy caucasian business heads and SUV drivers." said White House Analyst Jason Porter on CNN thursday. He went on, "While Democrats are somewhat bemused to see their counterparts across the isle at least acknowledging that ice caps are melting and sea levels are rising, they are very concerned about what kind of backlash this could mean for Latinos in the United States."
            The paper released by four top climate scientists combine and average both atmospheric measurements and population data collected since 1968. Marie Ann Carter, the climate scientist who headed the study,  said in a press conference, "We are not optimistic about our findings. There is a distinct correlation between the rise in immigrant populations in the U.S., and the melting of sea ice and glaciers world wide. We are working very hard to find out why this is happening, but it may be too late."
            Not too late for Republicans however, who are pulling out all the rhetorical stops to put an end to the perceived crisis. Sara Palin said on Fox's  Sean Hannity Show, "I'm in Favor of mass deportations. Our nation and our planet are more important than playing nice with these people. We can no longer afford to be PC about it. They don't contribute anything, they just take our jobs, eat all our food, and make babies. They are making enough money to live like kings over there [in Mexico] and they don't even spend any of it here in America. We don't need them, and now they're going to destroy our temperature? No thank you." Host Hannity responded, "Well I know I have been watching this for a while, and I can remember thinking 'if only we had a smoking gun to tie these illegals to...' " to which Palin affirmed, "Well now you have one, and it's a big one..."
            Conservative radio and television personality Glenn Beck was among the more vocal proponents of ending climate change almost immediately after the new data was released, claiming on his daytime radio show to have predicted the findings, "I- I have been telling you about this all along. When I said that I- that you should listen between the sentences- read between the lines, and listen to what your gut says, this is it. This is exactly what I was talking about. The Perfect Storm. Now that there is a scientific link that proves what I have been saying all along... and a cause, there should no longer be any doubt. If any of you still doubts global warming is happening, then you should get ready for us. We are ready and willing to take our country back from the evil tyranny of the cause of climate change."
            Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh was also instantly incensed by the findings. He said on his show, "...You people- and I'm talking to you illegals out there- are going to get yours. Yours is coming so help me God. I sincerely hope you head for home or high ground Taco Joe, because you are no longer welcome here. You have crossed the line, and now you are going to pay big time. Big time... You hear me? Should I say it in Espancholo?..."
            Ron Caldwell from the liberal think tank Center for American Progress said on PBS News hour, "I'm very leery about this new tone taken by conservatives. Perhaps we can change it from a looming social and economic catastrophe into something constructive by somehow convincing [conservatives] that the influx of illegal immigrants is actually caused by global warming, and not the other way around. Maybe then we can have a meaningful response out of them."         
            "I'm not embarrassed, not at all," said Republican strategist Glen Hardwick when asked by Meet the Press' David Gregory about his parties' sudden change in opinion. "Before, the evidence wasn't there. It just wasn't. While NASA's and NOAA's claim that the breaking away and melting of utterly massive pieces of the Antarctic ice shelf at a catastrophic rate wasn't immediately obvious to us here in the U.S., this new correlation in the data is beginning to tease that fact, as well as some other claims, out of the murk and deceit of liberal science theology. So with the hard work of these particular climate scientists, we have all the evidence we need to act. Whoever said conservatives don't act on evidence is wrong. Dead wrong." Hardwick went on, "And I know the progressives will cry 'well that's just post hoc ergo propter hoc! "  While Hardwick then admitted that it is indeed a logical fallacy to assume the only correlation between climate change and the sudden influx of Latino immigration is the implication that one happened after the other, he concedes, "'s just the kind of logic that will get us out of this mess..."

Derek Hayes
is an independent contributor to the
Muskoachie Daily Holler

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Where Did All The Opus Go?

Hello to my dozens of readers and my fan (you know who you are). You might have noticed my conspicuous absence from the blogosphere as of late. There is a very good reason for this, but instead of giving you that reason, I'm going to fabricate a story in stead.

You see, my being an atheist caused me to go on a murderous rape-rampage. I couldn't help it. Without Jesus there to message away my raging sin boner, I was left unchecked to do what Adam cursed me to do six thousand years ago.
 But before the rampage, I needed to stock up on vital calories to fuel my hate filled appetite. I found a flock of sheep grazing in a picturesque green pasture. Lurking behind a grassy mound, I selected my prey- a young lamb that had wandered from his shepherd. My eyes focused without blinking. My body prone, my muscles tight with anticipation, the odor of dusty fleece, tall field grass, and my snooty argyle sweater filling my cavernous super-sensitive nostrils. My ears pivoting, acutely aware of the flock surrounding me, blissfully unaware of the coiled up death so close yet invisible and completely silent, taught and ready to spring. With the sheer force of a wet matress dropped from a treehouse, I pounced on the easy target and ripped into its supple flesh with such a ferocity, one would think I had evolved from some primitive predacious mammal, or something. 
 Once full on innocent lamb (and completely aware of the symbology implied), I staggered into town, my face and hands still caked in blackened coagulated blood. I then proceeded to rape, murder, steal, pillage, and rape some more.
 My burning hatred sparked by my atheism was stoked each time I killed a baby, stole some change from a sleeping homeless guy, uttered an expletive near an old lady, or raped an unwitting house cat. 
 I lurked in the shadows, alleys, and sewers for months, springing on anyone who was confident enough in God's protection to walk by. Eventually the guile was white-hot, so that my putrid bile boiled in my gnarled guts and my eyes bleached like bones in the desert sun.
 My atheism had caused me to become a blood lusting glutton for torture and filth. My lack of god-belief had shattered my body so that the only thing left was a skeletal frame supporting a sinewy mass of atrophied muscle wrapped tightly in a translucent phlegm pigmented skin. 
 Eventually, my body broke down under the weight of Satan's will. My organs began to fail and my finger nails began to peel off- God was no longer there to restore my flesh. I was broken, nearly completely blind, and destitute. 
 In my weakened stupor, the local villagers routed and overcame me. They first bound me with barbed wire, gagged me with the placenta of a virgin, then tossed my limp unrecognizable body into a cold wet earthen cell. There I lie for nearly two years, having violent convulsions, hemorrhaging feces and vital fluids from splits in my abdomen- rapt in the eternal throes of disbelief detox...

Ok, none of that stuff happened. But tell a religious person you're an atheist, and the above is a picture of the ticking time bomb they think you are. Not sure about you, but I have kept pretty close tabs on my murder/rape rampage tally. Still floating around zero after nearly 5 years of disbelief. Can't say I've had a marked increase in blood lust, inclinations toward sodomy, or desire to burn people at the stake (we aren't parties notorious for this last activity). In fact, these tendencies have declined some if any since my 2006 deconversion*. 
 If you're a religious person reading this, first of all, good for you for not stoping at "ok, none of that stuff happened" and thereby further locking yourself into the certainty closet. Second, your theory of atheists isn't backed up by facts. It's backed up by what others who agree with you say about us. Oh, and if your really going to assume that my above graphic description is somehow indicative of my evil evil atheism, the Bible is replete with such things perpetrated by God's children documented clearly and in horrifying detail. Hosea 13:16. That's one you won't hear in church!

Anyway, this whole rant is just to show I'm still alive somewhere... in an earthen cell, pecking away a blog post on an iPhone before my merciless daily beating at the hands of some faceless shadowy exorcists. Then comes the rapin'!

Almost forgot!

*my iPhone keeps trying to spell-correct "deconversion" to "reconversion". Conspiracy!