Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Two Jesuses [sic]

I have become distinctly aware of the existence of two Jesuses. Many Christians believe in the two seemingly opposite figureheads simultaneously without effort and without the tickling sensation of cognitive dissonance!

Who are they?

 One is, of course, the all powerful all knowing and loving bearded carpenter who died for your sins and kicks ass while somehow still managing to 'turn the other cheek'. This is the Jesus who steals our imaginations and makes us feel safe from the Devil and his demons when we go to sleep at night.

 The other Jesus, as it happens, is a retarded kid who wears a helmet with peeling Power Rangers stickers all over it. He has gum in his self-cut hair, chocolate frosting caked around his mouth, and the subtle odor of poop coming from somewhere on his person. He clumsily rides a bycicle with training wheels down your street, the pinwheel on his handlebars giving him much joy. You know there is much joy because you can hear his big goofy laughs and moans from a half mile away. He can't control the volume of his voice or really what he says. It's mostly gibberish- gibberish that smells like old milk and Fruit Loops when we stands too close to tell you about his hat.

 You can expose Jesus' dual personalities by performing the following experiment:

1. Find a Christian. Take your time. I'll wait...

2. Got one? Ok good! Now let's try to conjure in your subject's mind Super Kick Ass Jesus. Ask questions like "so what is so awesome about Jesus' descent into hell to free the captives following his harrowing crucifixion?"
You'll likely get an answer about how he beat up the Devil, put him in a head lock, kicked in doors, broke the chains that bind, etc. All kick ass stuff. Kick Ass Jesus loves softball questions!

3. Now let's throw the switch and see if we can conjure Retarded Jesus! There is no clear cut way to do this. A simple insult lobbed at Jesus is usually sufficient. Sometimes it takes a string of insults. Our subject will begin to show signs of distress in his/her face. This usually lasts a few seconds, minutes even. If your insult is long enough, they may even cut you off. You will be rewarded with an impassioned defense of poor defenseless Retarded Jesus. "He is love! I didn't know love until I found Jesus! You take that back! I don't hate you so much as have pity on you!". This is generally what you will hear. Be prepared as there will likely be tears involved. Your subject's voice will break. They may storm off, but they will return within minutes to give you another dose of why you are going to Hell for insulting their Lord. 
This might sound like the typical Jesus defense, but picture in your mind Retarded Jesus with his inside out Knots Berry Farm tee shirt and 44 ounce Big Gulp cup full of warm red Kool-Aid and you'll start to see what I'm talking about. People defend Jesus the same way they defend retarded children.

 Jesus seems to be stripped of his awesome powers when he is insulted. He then needs his followers' defense to stave off verbal attacks (physical attacks are impossible, which doesn't stop our subjects from being armed to the teeth).  In the last month, I have seen this exact dichotomy revealed twice. The first time, I didn't insult Jesus, but rather the Easter Bunny (!). Somehow that triggered a "Not cool dude! Not cool!" followed by a passionate defense of Jesus. Had I insulted Retarded Jesus? Started to seem that way! The second incident was between two other people. I just happened to be eavesdropping.

 It's like magic! Big-biceped Lord of Lords Jesus shape-shifts into snot bubble perma-smile Jesus who needs help going to the bathroom with a single insult! I wish Christians would leave the vengeance to Jesus himself. He's a big boy who can take care of him self- probably.

1 comment:

  1. Might want to ask one of them christians who Yehoshua Bar Abba was.