Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Where Did All The Opus Go?

Hello to my dozens of readers and my fan (you know who you are). You might have noticed my conspicuous absence from the blogosphere as of late. There is a very good reason for this, but instead of giving you that reason, I'm going to fabricate a story in stead.

You see, my being an atheist caused me to go on a murderous rape-rampage. I couldn't help it. Without Jesus there to message away my raging sin boner, I was left unchecked to do what Adam cursed me to do six thousand years ago.
 But before the rampage, I needed to stock up on vital calories to fuel my hate filled appetite. I found a flock of sheep grazing in a picturesque green pasture. Lurking behind a grassy mound, I selected my prey- a young lamb that had wandered from his shepherd. My eyes focused without blinking. My body prone, my muscles tight with anticipation, the odor of dusty fleece, tall field grass, and my snooty argyle sweater filling my cavernous super-sensitive nostrils. My ears pivoting, acutely aware of the flock surrounding me, blissfully unaware of the coiled up death so close yet invisible and completely silent, taught and ready to spring. With the sheer force of a wet matress dropped from a treehouse, I pounced on the easy target and ripped into its supple flesh with such a ferocity, one would think I had evolved from some primitive predacious mammal, or something. 
 Once full on innocent lamb (and completely aware of the symbology implied), I staggered into town, my face and hands still caked in blackened coagulated blood. I then proceeded to rape, murder, steal, pillage, and rape some more.
 My burning hatred sparked by my atheism was stoked each time I killed a baby, stole some change from a sleeping homeless guy, uttered an expletive near an old lady, or raped an unwitting house cat. 
 I lurked in the shadows, alleys, and sewers for months, springing on anyone who was confident enough in God's protection to walk by. Eventually the guile was white-hot, so that my putrid bile boiled in my gnarled guts and my eyes bleached like bones in the desert sun.
 My atheism had caused me to become a blood lusting glutton for torture and filth. My lack of god-belief had shattered my body so that the only thing left was a skeletal frame supporting a sinewy mass of atrophied muscle wrapped tightly in a translucent phlegm pigmented skin. 
 Eventually, my body broke down under the weight of Satan's will. My organs began to fail and my finger nails began to peel off- God was no longer there to restore my flesh. I was broken, nearly completely blind, and destitute. 
 In my weakened stupor, the local villagers routed and overcame me. They first bound me with barbed wire, gagged me with the placenta of a virgin, then tossed my limp unrecognizable body into a cold wet earthen cell. There I lie for nearly two years, having violent convulsions, hemorrhaging feces and vital fluids from splits in my abdomen- rapt in the eternal throes of disbelief detox...

Ok, none of that stuff happened. But tell a religious person you're an atheist, and the above is a picture of the ticking time bomb they think you are. Not sure about you, but I have kept pretty close tabs on my murder/rape rampage tally. Still floating around zero after nearly 5 years of disbelief. Can't say I've had a marked increase in blood lust, inclinations toward sodomy, or desire to burn people at the stake (we aren't parties notorious for this last activity). In fact, these tendencies have declined some if any since my 2006 deconversion*. 
 If you're a religious person reading this, first of all, good for you for not stoping at "ok, none of that stuff happened" and thereby further locking yourself into the certainty closet. Second, your theory of atheists isn't backed up by facts. It's backed up by what others who agree with you say about us. Oh, and if your really going to assume that my above graphic description is somehow indicative of my evil evil atheism, the Bible is replete with such things perpetrated by God's children documented clearly and in horrifying detail. Hosea 13:16. That's one you won't hear in church!

Anyway, this whole rant is just to show I'm still alive somewhere... in an earthen cell, pecking away a blog post on an iPhone before my merciless daily beating at the hands of some faceless shadowy exorcists. Then comes the rapin'!

Almost forgot!

*my iPhone keeps trying to spell-correct "deconversion" to "reconversion". Conspiracy!