Thursday, June 11, 2015

Let's All Gaze Into the Memory Hole!

Hey friends. I'm trying something different. Visit my shiny new Tumblr.  Read all about it there. Please comment here with politico predictions that haven't expired yet, and we'll rate them. Confused? Click the link and all will be known.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

This Post Will Come As a Dissapointment...

...which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who has read my blog. This is my first post in forever, and in my absence, a lot of big stuff went down. I will attempt to get you all up to speed on where my life has taken me in the last few years.

The following happened: I

  • changed jobs
  • got divorced
  • started a business
  • found a new girlfriend
  • returned to this blog
   Now that you are up to speed, I have to say I was surprised to see my hit counter had accumulated over five thousand visits since my hiatus began. And yet there are barely any comments, which leads me to believe that over 5,000 people visited with most hating my writing or otherwise nonplused sufficiently to move on without bothering to give me an attaboy or stir conversation. The lack of hateful comments is worrying. I need to see if there is a filter turned on somewhere.
   Interestingly, this post from september of 2009 has quite a few hits, which begs questions of what words people are including in their google searches for atheist.
   It seems I have something of a readership in France. Not a big readership, but France represents the only country outside the U.S. where any other human being has encountered my work. Small world indeed! I hope to have another country added to this list by the end of 2015. I'm hoping for Africa!


   A very long time has elapsed since I've walked these halls and pondered it's treasures. I'm looking over the blog to see if anything's broken. If someone should find a broken link or something that doesn't look right, please drop me a line.

   I'll try to have a new post up soon. I had an idea but forgot it. As soon as I remember what it was, I'll get to writing. Hopefully it wasn't a crap idea.

   Until then, keep your head up and your eyes open or Obamageddon's gonna getcha!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

An Interesting Graphic Idea

I have had this idea for a t-shirt or sticker floating around in my head for some time. Tell me what you think!

It's not perfect, but you get the idea. Scriptures are filtered with the Skeptics Annotated Bible. This great resource is at

The Two Jesuses [sic]

I have become distinctly aware of the existence of two Jesuses. Many Christians believe in the two seemingly opposite figureheads simultaneously without effort and without the tickling sensation of cognitive dissonance!

Who are they?

 One is, of course, the all powerful all knowing and loving bearded carpenter who died for your sins and kicks ass while somehow still managing to 'turn the other cheek'. This is the Jesus who steals our imaginations and makes us feel safe from the Devil and his demons when we go to sleep at night.

 The other Jesus, as it happens, is a retarded kid who wears a helmet with peeling Power Rangers stickers all over it. He has gum in his self-cut hair, chocolate frosting caked around his mouth, and the subtle odor of poop coming from somewhere on his person. He clumsily rides a bycicle with training wheels down your street, the pinwheel on his handlebars giving him much joy. You know there is much joy because you can hear his big goofy laughs and moans from a half mile away. He can't control the volume of his voice or really what he says. It's mostly gibberish- gibberish that smells like old milk and Fruit Loops when we stands too close to tell you about his hat.

 You can expose Jesus' dual personalities by performing the following experiment:

1. Find a Christian. Take your time. I'll wait...

2. Got one? Ok good! Now let's try to conjure in your subject's mind Super Kick Ass Jesus. Ask questions like "so what is so awesome about Jesus' descent into hell to free the captives following his harrowing crucifixion?"
You'll likely get an answer about how he beat up the Devil, put him in a head lock, kicked in doors, broke the chains that bind, etc. All kick ass stuff. Kick Ass Jesus loves softball questions!

3. Now let's throw the switch and see if we can conjure Retarded Jesus! There is no clear cut way to do this. A simple insult lobbed at Jesus is usually sufficient. Sometimes it takes a string of insults. Our subject will begin to show signs of distress in his/her face. This usually lasts a few seconds, minutes even. If your insult is long enough, they may even cut you off. You will be rewarded with an impassioned defense of poor defenseless Retarded Jesus. "He is love! I didn't know love until I found Jesus! You take that back! I don't hate you so much as have pity on you!". This is generally what you will hear. Be prepared as there will likely be tears involved. Your subject's voice will break. They may storm off, but they will return within minutes to give you another dose of why you are going to Hell for insulting their Lord. 
This might sound like the typical Jesus defense, but picture in your mind Retarded Jesus with his inside out Knots Berry Farm tee shirt and 44 ounce Big Gulp cup full of warm red Kool-Aid and you'll start to see what I'm talking about. People defend Jesus the same way they defend retarded children.

 Jesus seems to be stripped of his awesome powers when he is insulted. He then needs his followers' defense to stave off verbal attacks (physical attacks are impossible, which doesn't stop our subjects from being armed to the teeth).  In the last month, I have seen this exact dichotomy revealed twice. The first time, I didn't insult Jesus, but rather the Easter Bunny (!). Somehow that triggered a "Not cool dude! Not cool!" followed by a passionate defense of Jesus. Had I insulted Retarded Jesus? Started to seem that way! The second incident was between two other people. I just happened to be eavesdropping.

 It's like magic! Big-biceped Lord of Lords Jesus shape-shifts into snot bubble perma-smile Jesus who needs help going to the bathroom with a single insult! I wish Christians would leave the vengeance to Jesus himself. He's a big boy who can take care of him self- probably.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Obama Wants To Something America

Bringing About the End of Good Something?

Obama making sour face

Last week, President Obama unveiled a plan that critics say would bring about an age of bad thing in this country not seen since terrible time of bad something. Since the plan was first unveiled during a press conference, Americans have expressed bad feelings toward the President’s plan to bring about the end of good thing. In a recent poll conducted by the Polling Institute, results show a majority of Americans opposing bad thing.

 However, the downward slide into bad thing doesn’t have to continue, at least according to Good Guy Politician, who said on Agreeable News Network Tuesday morning, “Look, [the President] and his advisors know the facts. Bad thing is not a good thing for America. We need to stop bad thing and return good thing to our people who so demand good something.”

            Bad Guy Politician said on Evil News Network Tuesday evening, “I know there are arguments against bad thing, but these people who are nay-sayers only want to bring back good thing. We as bad people simply can’t support that. Until we hear a valid argument for good thing, we will continue to put our efforts behind the president and bad thing.”

Polling Institute 2011

           Still unclear is whether or not the President will listen to what the American people are saying and change course. But given his recent campaign to introduce bad things, it looks like good thing has come to an end for the time being, which is a bad thing.

God Exacts Galactic Revenge

Supernova Caused by Sins of Mankind, Gays

By Derek Hayes

SN 2011B (center of image)

The Higashi-Hiroshima Universities’ “KANATA” telescope recorded images in January of a powerful and destructive supernova, which, according to some, reveals the true consequences of man’s sinful actions. Researchers K. Itagaki and M. Tsuboi first observed Supernova SN 2011B during a peer into galaxy GCN 2655 some 81 million light years from Earth in the giraffe constellation Camelopardalis. The violent natural phenomenon allegedly occurred when a white dwarf star accreted enough matter from it’s massive binary companion star to reach critical density (2 x 109 g/cm3) and began fusing carbon and oxygen divergently, causing collapse followed by a massive explosion which reportedly destroyed its companion star and blasted trillions of tons of matter into a white-hot debris cloud.

The “KANATA” telescope that first identified SN 2011B

The meaning of this destructive force of nature is very clear according to Reverend Jack Carroll of the First Free Will Baptist Church in Bell City, MO. He claims the upcoming NYC Pride, an annual gay pride rally in New York City to be held this year on June 18th, is the impetus for God’s violent retort. “God is not happy with the actions of man in these dark times” the reverend told his congregation, which includes viewers of his weekly Sunday morning television broadcast. “He is making it abundantly clear that we need to repent of our ways, and return to the Cross of salvation. It’s clear that the gay agenda is trying to dissolve the American Christian family with violence, compulsory sodomy, misinformation, bigotry, and rallies. God is very angry because of this”. Carroll went on, “For years now we have been warning of severe consequences due to the gays and their flagrant sins. Now God has chosen to destroy an entire solar system with one of the most violent natural phenomena in the known
universe. We ignore God at our peril”.

            Other members of the clergy are joining Rev Carroll in efforts to ban the NYC Pride rally. The Christian counter movement, dubbed NYC Shame, is attempting to collect signatures in an effort to convince legislators in New York to ban the rally. Hopes are the ban will spread to other states where similar rallies are held each year. Pastor, co founder, and key organizer for NYC Shame Mark Pindergraff of the Nationalist Church of Christ based in Nashville, TN said in a statement included with the petition sent to pastors nationwide, “Hallelujah! The Lord has spoken! He has not minced words here, friends. We MUST stop this rally, and we MUST EXPEL THE GAYS from our great nation and bring us back to good standing with the Lord!!!...” [emphasis in the original]. So far, over two hundred churches have pledged support for the effort.

            While many pastors are signing on to try to have the rally banned for good, one pastor is taking a different approach to appeasing almighty God. The notorious pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas has decided to send an envoy to the Higashi-Hiroshima Observatory to picket later this month. According to Westboro Baptist’s website [], signs will include “God Destroys Binary Star Systems Because of Fags!” and “Thank God for Dead White Dwarf Stars!” No plans of counter protests have yet been reported.

            NASA and other U.S. organizations that study the stars have been largely quiet on the apparent relationship between the destruction of an entire solar system and the waywardness of mankind. However, Blake Endel, a  NASA researcher, said in his blog, “[T]he idea that a god superfluously destroyed a distant solar system millions of years ago because of a rally held this year is among the most ridiculous things myself and my colleagues have ever heard. …We all had a good laugh when we saw reports of this on the TV in the coffee room. …[W]e have all been too busy laughing to formulate a real response to this nonsense”.  Well k­­­­nown astrophysicist, author, and NOVA Science Now personality Neil deGrasse Tyson, when asked at a lecture about the correlation between SN 2011B and the NYC Pride rally, responded with nothing more than a flabbergasted and quizzical expression which lasted over 20 seconds. He then asked to hear the next question. Tyson later told reporters “What can you say to something like that? I mean, what can you say?!”

Graph showing the magnitude of God’s vengeance

            Meanwhile others in the political sphere don’t think NASA’s (or Tyson’s) making light of the situation is such a good idea. Rep. Michelle Bachman (R-MN) said to Gretchen Carlson on Fox & Friends when asked about NASA’s apparent lack of concern, “…you know, God flooded Sri Lanka, New Orleans, Australia, wrecked most of Japan with a massive earthquake followed by a tsunami and nuclear meltdown, and now He has obliterated an entire solar system in galaxy NGC 2655; How can we not be listening? And why are we still funding [NASA] when they aren’t taking these threats seriously? And why is Neil [deGrasse] Tyson still getting a paycheck?” “Good questions- important questions” responded Carlson, who then pledged to have pastors Carroll and Pindergraff on the program “as soon as we can get them here. These views are important and deserving of fair questioning”.  The two founders of NYC Shame are scheduled to be on Fox & Friends next Wednesday to plead their case to the American People. Representatives from NYC Pride will not be in attendance during the broadcast, nor will any representatives from the secular science community.

Derek Hayes
is an independent contributor for the Muskoachie Daily Holler

Thursday, April 7, 2011


The article posted yesterday was written by me. And no, my name is not really Derek Hayes. As a long time fan of the Onion, I decided to pay omage to the excellent satirical paper by butchering the format with my own drull. The Muskoachie Daily Holler is my pseudo-paper and Derek Hayes my pseudonym. More 'Holler pieces to come!