Conservatives Change Their Rhetoric

New controversial climate change evidence

changes climate in Washington, Media

            by Derek Hayes

            Conservatives are reeling over new data emerging from climate scientists last week linking global climate change to Hispanics living in the US illegally. While the exact causal relationship is still unclear, what is clear is that conservatives and right wing pundits are vowing to do whatever it takes to stop them from destroying the planet.  House Speaker John Boehner spoke out this week against illegal aliens, saying in a news conference,  "This activity is despicable and must be stopped. We can't wait until we find out how they are doing this before we take action to stop them. [Republicans] are now vowing to use any means necessary to mitigate this disaster, because our children and grand children deserve a future without worry of rising sea water, melting ice caps, or mass exoduses of displaced poor people moving into their neighborhoods". 

            This sudden change of heart among Republicans was met with mixed feelings among Democrats on the hill. "The general consensus among Democrats is that the right, who were notorious long time skeptics of climate science, are only adopting this new stance to stop global warming because they think the Mexicans are somehow behind it, which of course, as Democrats will say, deflects blame away from- well-  mainly high polluting wealthy caucasian business heads and SUV drivers." said White House Analyst Jason Porter on CNN thursday. He went on, "While Democrats are somewhat bemused to see their counterparts across the isle at least acknowledging that ice caps are melting and sea levels are rising, they are very concerned about what kind of backlash this could mean for Latinos in the United States."

            The paper released by four top climate scientists combine and average both atmospheric measurements and population data collected since 1968. Marie Ann Carter, the climate scientist who headed the study,  said in a press conference, "We are not optimistic about our findings. There is a distinct correlation between the rise in immigrant populations in the U.S., and the melting of sea ice and glaciers world wide. We are working very hard to find out why this is happening, but it may be too late."

            Not too late for Republicans however, who are pulling out all the rhetorical stops to put an end to the perceived crisis. Sara Palin said on Fox's  Sean Hannity Show, "I'm in Favor of mass deportations. Our nation and our planet are more important than playing nice with these people. We can no longer afford to be PC about it. They don't contribute anything, they just take our jobs, eat all our food, and make babies. They are making enough money to live like kings over there [in Mexico] and they don't even spend any of it here in America. We don't need them, and now they're going to destroy our temperature? No thank you." Host Hannity responded, "Well I know I have been watching this for a while, and I can remember thinking 'if only we had a smoking gun to tie these illegals to...' " to which Palin affirmed, "Well now you have one, and it's a big one..."

            Conservative radio and television personality Glenn Beck was among the more vocal proponents of ending climate change almost immediately after the new data was released, claiming on his daytime radio show to have predicted the findings, "I- I have been telling you about this all along. When I said that I- that you should listen between the sentences- read between the lines, and listen to what your gut says, this is it. This is exactly what I was talking about. The Perfect Storm. Now that there is a scientific link that proves what I have been saying all along... and a cause, there should no longer be any doubt. If any of you still doubts global warming is happening, then you should get ready for us. We are ready and willing to take our country back from the evil tyranny of the cause of climate change."

            Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh was also instantly incensed by the findings. He said on his show, "...You people- and I'm talking to you illegals out there- are going to get yours. Yours is coming so help me God. I sincerely hope you head for home or high ground Taco Joe, because you are no longer welcome here. You have crossed the line, and now you are going to pay big time. Big time... You hear me? Should I say it in Espancholo?..."

            Ron Caldwell from the liberal think tank Center for American Progress said on PBS News hour, "I'm very leery about this new tone taken by conservatives. Perhaps we can change it from a looming social and economic catastrophe into something constructive by somehow convincing [conservatives] that the influx of illegal immigrants is actually caused by global warming, and not the other way around. Maybe then we can have a meaningful response out of them."         

            "I'm not embarrassed, not at all," said Republican strategist Glen Hardwick when asked by Meet the Press' David Gregory about his parties' sudden change in opinion. "Before, the evidence wasn't there. It just wasn't. While NASA's and NOAA's claim that the breaking away and melting of utterly massive pieces of the Antarctic ice shelf at a catastrophic rate wasn't immediately obvious to us here in the U.S., this new correlation in the data is beginning to tease that fact, as well as some other claims, out of the murk and deceit of liberal science theology. So with the hard work of these particular climate scientists, we have all the evidence we need to act. Whoever said conservatives don't act on evidence is wrong. Dead wrong." Hardwick went on, "And I know the progressives will cry 'well that's just post hoc ergo propter hoc! "  While Hardwick then admitted that it is indeed a logical fallacy to assume the only correlation between climate change and the sudden influx of Latino immigration is the implication that one happened after the other, he concedes, "...it's just the kind of logic that will get us out of this mess..."

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Derek Hayes

is an independent contributor to the

Muskoachie Daily Holler