Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Make Your Own Prophesies! Details Inside...

 Ok, it's late and I would like to spend a lot more time on this topic than I am about to. I will probably rewrite this or at the least amend it when I have some more time, but I want at least get it up while I am thinking about it.

 I have devised a formula so that you, the reader can create your own prophesies that work!

Step One: Come up with an overarching event such as a rapture or collapse of a particular civilization.

Step Two: DO NOT specify a time frame for your events to come to fruition.

Step Three: DO NOT name specific names of people, places, or events. If you do, readers are likely to not take them literally, but loosely misinterpret them to represent those of their own environment.

Step Four: Talk plenty of metaphorical gibberish about beasts, dragons, and various types of ugly things.

Step Five: Wait thousands of years until people misinterpret your prophesy (despite your best efforts to adhere to Step Three) by wedging events of their time into the murky language of your nondescript and ambiguous writing.

 Thats it!

 What's that? Don't want to wait thousands of years for people to begin misinterpreting your work? No problem! They probably already have! For an example, look at how folks have interpreted the Revelation of John of Patmos. Ask any Christian- early or contemporary- who the antichrist is and they will likely tell you the name of their most recently elected leader. Ask when the apocalypse is going to happen, they will say "any day now".

 What this all boils down to is everyone wants their god to smile upon them and theirs, and fling the limp corpses of everyone else into the lake of fire. People have been doing it for thousands of years. They want so sincerely for the bad stuff in prophesies to happen to the folks they don't like, that they shoehorn modern events into the context of their holy writ with the deep hope (or rather certainty) that their interpretation is indeed the correct one.

Aren't we rotten?!

 If Christians are really about love and compassion, they should take pity on the unsaved and band together to petition God to have mercy on us heathens (apparently, in some cases, God is willing to negotiate). I'm sure he has plenty of mercy to go around. And if the prophecies turn out to be for another time or president or religion, then at least Christians will have proven to the world that their religion is not about gratuitous blood shed, intolerance, injustice, slavery, abortion, what you do with your weenier/hoo-ha, and a smidgen of warm fuzzy feelins.

 This is highly unlikely as it would seem their xenophobia and hatred are rivaled only by that of their big super daddy. He should have hugged them more when they were children... but not too much. People might talk.

1 comment:

  1. They do take pity on us un-christians. Its called proselytizing :)

    In all seriousness I dont worry about the revalation, end-times stuff for two reasons:

    1. the website you gave me about all the failed prophecies

    2. Jesus supposedly told his followers...and therefore the gospels make this abundantly clear: haysus was initially thought to be making his comeback tour DURING THE LIVES OF THE APOSTLES. (whether t-shirts and posters would be sold was another story).

    Long and short of it, you have to bend pretty far to rationalize the colossal fuck up in this. Of course, this is no problem for typical xians because they openly admit 8 times out of 10 that they believe because they want to/need to/ have to... its not because its fucking logical, its because they wont sleep at night otherwise!